The Potty Wars: a late update

September 13th 2010.
6:39pm CMT BGKY

It’s been a blur of impressions about how Mac has gone from intransigent soiler to proudly announcing the time and place of his next main event. If he knew how, he would be posting Twitter updates; No, Jenn won’t let me sign him up for a Twitter account.

It is now no mistake to say that the main reason Mac’s potty training took off was that friends visited us for an extended stay and they had 4yr-old Thorsen who was fully potty-trained and wasted no time letting Mac know that he was a big boy because of it. Mac was pretty much trained within a few days. I suspect an instinctual competitiveness was the motivating factor in Mac no longer pausing in midstep or sentence to start breathing funny while his gaze turned inward becoming almost cross-eyed and his face became flushed with urgent concentration/constipation.

So knowing this, we are letting Scarlett know that Blakely, a younger cousin, is now fully1 potty-trained. Given Scarlett’s own competitive streak and if we can trick her into thinking she wants to be potty-trained, this should take no more than a few hours. Yup.

  1. This is not strictly true. Blakely is in the process of being potty trained but we’ll let this ontological subtlety slide. []

Theories of Potty Training

June 23rd, 2010 7:40 pm cmt bgky

With the war going on in Afghanistan and Iraq, our concept and application of war has changed from 60’s cold-war tank columns and nukes to counterinsurgency: the idea of applying as much firepower at one time and place has morphed to restraining firepower as much as possible. This got me thinking that our whole potty training thing has got to be rethought, in light of our continued failures and the loss of too-many-to-count diapers and stained carpets and funny smelling corners and the obvious odor of a house that contains kids.

So I googled “potty training” and surprisingly google’s first suggestion is “potty training boys” and not “potty training” which you think would’ve appeared first, a bad omen. Go ahead and try it yourself, if you don’t believe me. Turns out the Internet is surprisingly spare in advice or theories; most posts offer a few pieties, clap you on the back and wish you good luck.

So. We have to rethink our approach and maybe reclassify what exactly is going on.

Freud: Did you know that calling someone anal retentive actually originated with Freud. The idea is that if a child holds on to his poo and never lets go because his potty training is too severe, he will grow up to be compulsively neat and neurotic to unimportant details, hence anal retentive. Neat, no? As for the opposite, that’s more of a let down: he’s anal expulsive. Anyway, it has merit and makes you wonder how much of what you are now is dependent on those first few toilet flushes. (An extremely existentialist point of view, which we get to later. sort of.) Anyway this doesn’t actually help in furthering my understanding of what is going on other than making sure the pooing experience is calm and enjoyable but not going overboard.


Marxist potty training theory: This might go somewhere. Just as the worker is unjustly prevented by capitalist pigs from enjoying all the fruits of his labour, so maybe we need to think what’s in it for the boy. He clearly owns the means of production but he is asked to produce in only very circumcised circumstances; even dogs have more freedom. So maybe we need to let him form his own rules, his laws. But this would lead to total chaos where anything could be used for a toilet and no, this is headed in the wrong direction; it would eventually lead to the total collapse of society and to rule by Anarcho-syndicalist societies. I just want to have him potty trained.

Capitalist, Pavlovian theories: pretty self-explanatory and not working at all

Foucault-ian historical analysis: Maybe a deep and penetrating study will reveal that the history, traditions and rites of using toilets are not just biologically based but serve to maintain the ingrained and enslaving power relationship of men over women. Maybe Mac is really trying to help us sunder these chains. Why are toilets round or oval shaped? Oval is derived from ova which is plural for ovum, a women’s reproductive core, and we men sitting down, doing “our business” from top, des(f)ecrating all over them. It has merit, but I don’t have time to spend, strong bitter coffee to drink, a small poorly-lit french cafe to sit in and those blunt, incredibly foul-tasting Gauloises to smoke in order to engage in serious Saussurean structural analysis nor Derridaen deconstructionism to reach some consensus just so I can end up just putting a sign on our toilet: “Ceci n’est pas une toilette.” and teach him that the existence of his poo is its own exigency and to just poo in the dang toilet, already.

Neitzche: “Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich starker.” Translation: “That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.” I kind of like this one. He was probably potty training his own boy when he thought of this one and said it to his boy or to himself. I imagine it was dark time for him and his boy when he said this. And so at some point, when every last ounce of parental duty had been worn away to just bone and the thousand-yard stare has set in, I will find myself sounding like the GodFather and making Mac an offer he won’t refuse. I am not proud of this.

A Heideggaerian approach: If Mac would only realize that his poo is already a Being-in-the World and that he already knows what to do with the poo, understands its zuhanden, its readiness to be handled by him in the appropriate manner, then pooing will be as simple as breathing and we won’t need to engage in high-level analytic discourse. So maybe all I need to do is teach him that there are no Platonic forms, no ideals standing behind the reality of what he sees and get him to understand his own Dasein and thus do the doo.

Any suggestions on Potty training will be appreciated. Please be sure to cite sources and to provide a Précis of the theoretical framework of said suggestions.

PPP&P part deux

PPP&P part deux :

Because this weekend Mac has essentially declared that he will not poo in the potty and has had at least two very recent mishaps that defy the law of physics (I’ll spare you the details.1 ) and has drawn his Maginot Line in the sand, written in yellow so to speak. The results of our assault are Gallipolian in nature. So, I do want to report that Scarlett, on the other hand, seems to be right on potty-training schedule. She has responded pavlovianly to the lolly-pop bribe, and a time or two now has literally peed on command when reminded what was in it for her.

Needing no bribe, Jackson can always be relied on to pee the moment he is sans couche.

  1. OK, OK, in one he was able to pee in the middle of a furniture store by seemingly spiriting his pee past his pull-ups and shorts in order to create a very large pool of pee on the concrete floor. The second, he again somehow overwhelmed his pull-ups with much less desirable contents and results. []